I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
