Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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