my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
