she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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