Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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