Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize