This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
