FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
