Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
