dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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