youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
