cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i love accidental penises.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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