I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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