I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
