Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
