you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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