i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
