I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
