i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
