The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
