are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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