Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
