I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
