the new term for farting is butt boxing.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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