i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
