saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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