I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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