I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
