It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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