She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
