I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize