Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
