I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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