i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
