i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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