Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
