The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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