We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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