Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
