my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
