dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
