so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
