I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
