Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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