I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
