how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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