I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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