just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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