its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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