Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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