he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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