im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
