and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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