I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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