I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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