she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish there were birth control emojis
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
