I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
