Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
