A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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