Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
