i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
